I have a colonoscopy coming up... I have a particular diet I have to follow before the procedure. This is something that I've talked about a lot over the last couple weeks. For almost a week before I was supposed to start this special diet, I spoke about what I could eat. I went over ideas of what I could eat or do during the 4 days I had planned on doing the altered diet. The reason I was going to do this was due to my brother's first colonoscopy not being done due to the diet not working for him. So my thought was to prolong it 2 days
Day 1 was supposed to be salads since it was outside the surgery window. The idea being that I would get some semi-solid food in to help with the cleanse. Day two was going to be start of liquid only. I was going to buy ice cream, pudding, and some broth which could be heated up. Day three fell on Super Bowl Sunday so I was in a quandary. I planned on taking a couple packs of pudding cups and some vanilla ice cream to watch it so I would have food. This was also the day I needed to have Gatorade G2 to mix with the Miralax. I needed to buy a minimum of 2 bottles of light colored flavors. Also would purchase a pack to drink for nutrition. The final day I would need clear liquids only so I was stuck with what was left of the broth and water.
The plan that I had discussed for days was getting the food and drink I needed on the day I started. I talked about the limitations and how I had to be careful on which types of soda, tea, ice cream, pudding, broth, or juices I could have. Normally I drink Dr Pepper but do to the need to avoid anything dark or red, I was going to have to stop that on Day 1. I could buy a pack of sprite and drink it. Strawberry Ice Cream is the easiest to get but I'd have to stop it on day 2. Everything was planned out and I kept going over my limitations verbally so my wife and I would both understand the limits.
Day 1 I wake up. I have nothing to start the diet with because I had planned on this morning going to the store to purchase it. The main reason being things either needed refrigerated/frozen or was snack sized and I didn't want to accidentally eat them up too quick. My wife and I had gotten our Food Stamp Allotment of $150 three days before and had spent approximately $40 that day. In the intervening days, my wife apparently had gone to the store before I woke up to buy herself ice cream each day. So I ask her how much was left on the Food Stamps because I was considering going to a larger store and buying stuff for after the procedure as well.
I sat stunned and shocked when my wife said with a straight face that we had about $30. I stared at her a moment honestly without words as my mind kind of locked up. Then I said that I had to go buy salad supplies and all the rest of the stuff for my operation. She looked at me and said "I forgot."
This is something important. This is something to do with my health and it isn't something I can just blow off. My wife, who has heard me talking about this since it was first scheduled; who was with me at the doctors when they scheduled it; heard me talking about it for the last three weeks; was in the room with me for the week leading up to it where I kept going over with her what I could eat and my plans on when to start. She forgot that I needed a special diet.
When I reminder her of why I needed it. She reiterated that she had forgotten but this time seemed upset. At that point she actually asked me to tell her what I could eat. This hurts to admit it but I was crushed emotionally at that point. I've been telling her for years that she acts as if I mean nothing. This has become such an issue that our relationship went from being on the brink of divorce to me accepting that we are just roommates. I cannot expect support from her anymore and she makes it obvious to everyone to where I have to defend her to others. But now it appears I matter so little to her that she not only ignored me all those days, but she actually seems to have forgotten I have a colonoscopy coming up. I'm speechless and trying not to break down at this point.
Apparently me not speaking angered her and she began to apologize in the tones she uses when she's trying to make me feel bad and saying that I should use cash to buy what I need. This is something of a sore spot for me and has been since before we got married. I have a hard time juggling bills and I can never get any money saved up. When I get money I make plans for it. Normally I only get to spend about half the cash I have on bills and other planned things such as breaks for the car or an inspection sticker (this time). What money I have used to disappear from my wallet until I opened it one day going to buy something only to see it empty. I don't want to use cash to buy food I had planned on and had the resources to get just a few days earlier. My psyche is already fragile and this sent me into a pretty deep depression so I've been sleeping a lot instead of dealing with hunger pangs.
At the end of Day 2, my mother asked what I had eaten and I had said "nothing". She asked me what I was going to eat and I said "nothing". She asked me what I was drinking and I said "water". She asked me what else and I said again, "nothing". She later asked me when was the last time I ate and I told her Thursday afternoon. This was Saturday night that she asked. She was appalled and said I couldn't do that because I'd get too weak. She grabbed a pack of my brother's protein shakes and offered them to me. My brother has cancer. He needs those shakes to try to keep his blood work healthy. His last blood work wasn't good. There is no way I am going to take anything from my brother needed for his cancer treatment. Apparently this made my wife angry.
So here I am, on the beginning of Day 3. I've had nothing to eat. I can't take some of my medicines without having something in my stomach so I'm dealing with not having some meds. I'm going through periods where my stomach is cramping fairly severely. I know 4 days of not eating won't kill me. This is something I can endure. The problem is I shouldn't have to endure it.
Day 1 I searched through our food for something to eat and my wife just watched TV. I found nothing. Realizing that she wasn't going to help me look, I decided that I wasn't going to make an issue of food. This is just an extension of all the other issues we have in our relationship. I don't know what to do about it.We don't talk. Apparently when we do, she doesn't remember.
When my mother told me she'd be able to go into the surgical waiting room I was happy. I told my wife about it but this seemed to get her upset. She appeared hurt and wanted to know why I was telling her this. I got angry and reminded her that someone had to stay in there the whole time because if you leave and the doctor comes out he won't wait so I'll go without knowing what he found or what they are doing until I go to see him later for the full results. Since she smokes and can't go any length of time without a cigarette I reminded her that she wouldn't be able to be there for me. Now she began acting both hurt and angry at me even though she agrees that she was never going to be able to do that.
I don't know what to do. I have very specific instructions on what I have to do today and tomorrow. I can't do it as written. I'm going to show up at the surgical center and hope that what I've done is enough.
On top of all of this is the deeper emotional issues I'm dealing with regarding my wife. She has periods where she'll say I'm the most important thing to her. There are times she talks about how she tries to think about me and do things for me. The problem is that what she says and what she does aren't remotely related. I don't have anyone to speak with. I can't talk to my family about my wife because I spend so much time defending her if they do say anything. I can't talk to my therapist because I'd have to explain things that would cause even bigger issues. Talking to my wife is the same as talking to the cats. The difference is the cats will come looking for affection and my wife never shows signs of listening.
I hit rock bottom back in August of last year emotionally and mentally. That was the first time I had actually considered what would happen if I committed suicide. It took a few weeks but I was able to draw myself out of that thinking by reconciling what my relationship with my wife actually is. We live in the same house but are simply roommates. My wife has pulled away from me in all things now. I have become someone who simply pays her bills, drives her around, and provides her pills. About once a month she'll have a 2 day spree where she will talk about how important I am to her and how much she loves me. The rest of the time I might as well not exist.
Listing the issues with our marriage would take a long time and it's not something I want to do. This episode with the colonoscopy just highlights the problems I am going to have when I have back surgery. I'm honestly rethinking the surgery now. I won't be able to take care of myself for a while and she's unable to care for me so there will be no after surgery care which is required. I'm lost. I believe I'll be able to keep going but each time something happens that reminds me how little I mean to her I crack a little further. At some point I will break
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