Police Reform

 People have been talking about the need for police reform for many years now. Over the last five years, I've been watching videos and reading news articles about the police nationwide. The problems we are having aren't new, but are instead amplified by the fact that nearly everyone has a smartphone to capture police corruption and violence. 

There are a few trends that have shown themselves over the years. There are some obvious issues that should be addressed by the various legislatures across the country. While activity at the federal level is preferred, some things can be done at the state levels. One thing people also ignore is that they can take action with their local police through activism and voting to remove those who support an abusive or ignorant police department.

Municipalities can also simply not carry insurance for their police officers. Police can, and should, be required to carry their own occupational insurance just as doctors and other professionals are required. This would create an insurance database of payouts made due to police mistakes or misconduct. Insurance companies would eventually price a police officer out of work if they continue to be problematic officers. Police officers with problematic histories would also increase liability insurance costs for municipalities as their high risk of vicarious liability driving premiums to unsustainable levels. 

If a State doesn't have a "Brady List" of police officers, individual judicial districts should create their own. Prosecutors, and "internal affairs", should place officers on this list who have been shown to make fraudulent reports or commit perjury. For transparency sake, this list should be accessible from the clerk's office. Defendants and concerned citizens should know which officers responsible for maintaining law and order are untrustworthy or dangerous. With this mechanism in place, a level of accountability would be reached where accused officer's actions will be known to any defendants they charge.

States Attorneys should stop defending and indemnifying police officers who get sued for civil rights violations. Police officers should have to pay for their own defense as well as pay any portion of the penalties assigned to them by the courts. It is a rare instance where the State determines not to shield an officer from their bad actions. If police officers know that malfeasance will cause them to be held financially liable, bad actors will slowly disappear as the consequences of their actions weed them out of the police forces. Police who make simple mistakes should be defended and supported by their employers, but those who act with malice or negligence should bear the consequences of their actions.

... cont

DID

 Dissociative Identity Disorder

I have suspected that I've had DID for years. My wife has seen the "Alter" and is afraid of him. This is something I've been aware of for years in speaking with others. Since my late teens, I've had freinds talk about me "changing" and how violent I can get during that time. Even my family have commented about how "shit gets real" when I "hit a certain level". 

This actually coresponds roughly to my memory gaps. Chunks of my memory are not accessable except as flashes of images or feelings when I can recall them at all. This has allowed me to fake remembering things sometimes when others bring things up. One example, I have only a flash of a memory about an incident in Ann's bedroom. Only a single image exists in my mind of that night. Shortly after that, Elizabeth spoke with me about that night and what happened. I didn't really remember it. Since then, my wife, Ann's sister, has told me about walking into the room that night and what she saw. It seems her walking in froze an image in my mind that is accessable of Ann undressing and removing her bra. Lee remembers that since apparently she walked in at that moment.

Looking back, I believe these gaps occured when I was overcome with strong emotions or in very stressful situations. Friends have talked about how I was a different person at times. The personna I project to the world appears to be someone who frightens others. I have found cuts, burns, and abrasions I am unable to account for after these "grey zones". I can only remember being in a couple of fights in my life but appearently I got a reputation for hurting people in fights that I still can't remember. 

After my mental break, I have found that those "grey zones" appeared quite frequently. Over time, they have become less frequent but still occur. I have told my therapists that I have discovered a new type of panic attack, anger based. Upon reflection, when these angry "panic attacks" hit me I have one of my grey zones where a hole appears in my memory. 

Oddly, sometimes these memory holes backfill themselves. This is rare but does happen. The memory flashes will expand until I gain what appears to be a full recolection of the events. I'm not sure these memories are complete. Incidents involving my brother, of which I have several grey areas, are complex because he recolects things that go counter to my memories, no matter if they are regular or recovered. This makes me wonder if my memory isn't fracturing and mixing parts together. 

Now that I think of something I feel I must put it down. From the time I was about 14 I used to cut myself. I did this for several years. Since my parents didn't pay a lot of attention to me, I was able to cut myself in the arms and thighs without being discovered. I quit cutting at about the same time as the memory issues began. The cutting was a coping mechanism. I took a photo of my cutting tools one day covered in blood. I hid the photos in the back of a photo book behind some other pictures. One day at school some people were looking at the book and discovered the photos. I tried to get the photos back but they were quickly spread around. I told the truth and said that was blood on them. I was ridiculed for that and was laughed at. I have to admit I have no memory of getting the photos back or what happened after they discovered them. Perhaps that was my first grey zone.

I've done some reading and believe that I may be aflicted with what people call a "Avenger Alter". This would be one who manifests my anger and rage. While this doesn't explain why my memories of some situations (mainly involving sexual activity), it does explain the fear I have provoked in others as well as the damage I've been told I have done. I would have called it a "Protector" at one point but I believe it only comes out due to rage or stress making it something else.

From what I've gathered speaking with people who have encountered this other me, it has all my memories and knowledge. This scares me honestly because I even regain memories from the grey zones. I have come to the realization that the other me isn't a nice person. I have concerns that one day this other me will cause harm that I do not want. Not harm to me. Harm to others around me.

As to why I have no memory (or just flashes) of certain sexual encounters when I was younger is another question. I find it hard to believe that was my rage. What else lives inside of me? Did that part of me disappear? There are a lot of questions there.