Dissociative Identity Disorder
I have suspected that I've had DID for years. My wife has seen the "Alter" and is afraid of him. This is something I've been aware of for years in speaking with others. Since my late teens, I've had freinds talk about me "changing" and how violent I can get during that time. Even my family have commented about how "shit gets real" when I "hit a certain level".
This actually coresponds roughly to my memory gaps. Chunks of my memory are not accessable except as flashes of images or feelings when I can recall them at all. This has allowed me to fake remembering things sometimes when others bring things up. One example, I have only a flash of a memory about an incident in Ann's bedroom. Only a single image exists in my mind of that night. Shortly after that, Elizabeth spoke with me about that night and what happened. I didn't really remember it. Since then, my wife, Ann's sister, has told me about walking into the room that night and what she saw. It seems her walking in froze an image in my mind that is accessable of Ann undressing and removing her bra. Lee remembers that since apparently she walked in at that moment.
Looking back, I believe these gaps occured when I was overcome with strong emotions or in very stressful situations. Friends have talked about how I was a different person at times. The personna I project to the world appears to be someone who frightens others. I have found cuts, burns, and abrasions I am unable to account for after these "grey zones". I can only remember being in a couple of fights in my life but appearently I got a reputation for hurting people in fights that I still can't remember.
After my mental break, I have found that those "grey zones" appeared quite frequently. Over time, they have become less frequent but still occur. I have told my therapists that I have discovered a new type of panic attack, anger based. Upon reflection, when these angry "panic attacks" hit me I have one of my grey zones where a hole appears in my memory.
Oddly, sometimes these memory holes backfill themselves. This is rare but does happen. The memory flashes will expand until I gain what appears to be a full recolection of the events. I'm not sure these memories are complete. Incidents involving my brother, of which I have several grey areas, are complex because he recolects things that go counter to my memories, no matter if they are regular or recovered. This makes me wonder if my memory isn't fracturing and mixing parts together.
Now that I think of something I feel I must put it down. From the time I was about 14 I used to cut myself. I did this for several years. Since my parents didn't pay a lot of attention to me, I was able to cut myself in the arms and thighs without being discovered. I quit cutting at about the same time as the memory issues began. The cutting was a coping mechanism. I took a photo of my cutting tools one day covered in blood. I hid the photos in the back of a photo book behind some other pictures. One day at school some people were looking at the book and discovered the photos. I tried to get the photos back but they were quickly spread around. I told the truth and said that was blood on them. I was ridiculed for that and was laughed at. I have to admit I have no memory of getting the photos back or what happened after they discovered them. Perhaps that was my first grey zone.
I've done some reading and believe that I may be aflicted with what people call a "Avenger Alter". This would be one who manifests my anger and rage. While this doesn't explain why my memories of some situations (mainly involving sexual activity), it does explain the fear I have provoked in others as well as the damage I've been told I have done. I would have called it a "Protector" at one point but I believe it only comes out due to rage or stress making it something else.
From what I've gathered speaking with people who have encountered this other me, it has all my memories and knowledge. This scares me honestly because I even regain memories from the grey zones. I have come to the realization that the other me isn't a nice person. I have concerns that one day this other me will cause harm that I do not want. Not harm to me. Harm to others around me.
As to why I have no memory (or just flashes) of certain sexual encounters when I was younger is another question. I find it hard to believe that was my rage. What else lives inside of me? Did that part of me disappear? There are a lot of questions there.
