Today I realized that I've been experiencing an alternative to panic attacks. I've been lucky, I thought, over the last couple of years and have had few actual panic attacks. For those who have never had a panic attack, let me explain very briefly what they actually are.
Panic attacks are uncontrollable, overwhelming, physical events that generally come upon a person with little warning and takes away their ability to interact with others and much of their physical control. It is an overwhelming attack on the mind and body of the person which normally ends only after a physical trauma such as passing out, vomiting, or being reduced to a quivering ball of mindless flesh.
After the events of today though, I realized I've been having a different type of panic attack over the last several years that I simply failed to name correctly. For clarification, I'll call them Rage attacks. That's right, no panic here... just unbridled rage.
Those who know me well are aware of my emotional breakdown years ago. I've struggled with depression, anxiety, and violent mood swings for the last 14 years or so now. For the first several years, I worked on trying to identify the causes of my frequent Panic Attacks and remove myself from situations where they would occur. For the most part, I've been successful. I've still been struggling with the less severe anxiety attacks and violent mood swings as well as the underlying depression. (I'm 9 out of 10 on the Major Depressive Disorder scale)
Here it becomes important to explain what I mean by violent mood swings. I have an inability to control my mood without medication. Even with medication, I am prone to sudden outbursts of anger. This is something I've been struggling with for a while and have been lucky that I haven't lost my wife due to the problem. We were separated in 2007 and very nearly got a divorce.
Many people, when told of this, just seem to brush it off as "oh, so you get angry." No, I don't get angry... I get overcome with rage and it takes all my ability and control (PHARMACEUTICAL AID REQUIRED) to keep from lashing out physically at those around me. Even though I can stop the physical lashing out with seclusion and medicine, I seldom can stop the verbal manifestations of my anger. This goes beyond me being a "smart ass" and I can't be around people very much once my mood swings kick in because I have very little control over what I say or do for a long time after they begin.
Today though, I realized another aspect of the mood swings and anger issues. Today I became angry at someone who had called me and the anger manifested in it's usual way when the object of my anger isn't present. I started having difficulty breathing. Bile began to rise and for lack of a better explanation I began to salivate excessively causing me to keep trying to spit to clear my air way. Mucus begun to build and drain from my nose quicker than I could wipe it away. My vision begun to darken and was shot through with streaks of light - the same effect someone has wile suffering from Hypoxia, or drowning. I began choking and coughing as the bile, mucus, and salivation prevented me further from gaining air. This finally culminated with me vomiting and virtually collapsing with weakness as my body struggled to normalize. Worse yet, this happened today while I was driving. Luckily I was able to pull over before my vision loss made that impossible and before the vomiting took away strength and control.
While I was undergoing these physical events, the anger inside of me kept building and rising. I was overcome with a sense of rage. If I had been in the presence of the individual who triggered this event, I would have attacked them. I was irrational and not in control of my mind, body, or emotions. Only after my body went through the trauma of forced vomiting for about 5 minutes did I begin to regain my faculties and the ability to breath normally. I began to be able to think again without fighting the haze of rage that had built to a murderous level. It took some time to clean myself up on the side of the road and get enough strength back in my limbs to be able to drive.
After I arrived home much later I talked the event over with my family. My wife has seen me go through this many, many times over the last several years. These Rage Attacks are physically very similar to Panic Attacks but they have nothing in common in their genesis. Having quick access to Valium is ineffective in stopping Rage Attacks once they begin. With a Panic Attack, I can often realize a trigger and remove myself from the situation thereby cutting the attack short or heading it off with a Valium and seclusion. There is no such respite from a Rage Attack.
I have realized that due to my inability to control my mood swings, when my anger rises to the point of rage, I have passed the point of no return and an Attack is inevitable. In the past, I have had these Rage Attacks only twice while physically confronted with an individual who has triggered the event. In one case the individual who triggered the event fled while others delayed me. Once they were away from my immediate vicinity, my Rage Attack progressed through its typical physical manifestations ending in me collapsing into a vomiting mass of flesh. The other time the individual who triggered it was trying to confront me physically. It took a bystander with a 2x4 to break my hold and save the person's life. That incident ended with me having a prolonged "black out" where I can't remember much of any thing after the intervention of wood until about 4 hours later. I know the person who attacked me ended up getting in their truck and leaving while I was being held at bay... but I only remember flashes of events after the person attacked me.
With today's Rage Attack, I realized that I have another manifestation of my illness that I need to discuss with my doctor. I was told once before that there was nothing they could do for my anger problems. I hope medicine has advanced or they have thought of an alternative. These Rage Attacks are physically the equal to Panic Attacks but due to their genesis, the speed at which they come on me is honestly frightening.
This newly recognized manifestation of my illness has me very concerned. My mood swings and anger issues have had me frightened of consequences but couple it with the Rage Attacks and a whole new dimension of my illness gets defined. People often wonder why I seclude myself from others. Maybe one day I will find the language to tell people why it is best for me not to be around people. Somehow I don't think "you won't like me when I'm angry" will get the desired result....
